


If I Die Young

by CarolinesEcho (shopgirl152)



Category: Glee
Genre: Anger, Angst, Bullying, Coping Mechanisms, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eulogies, F/F, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Grief, Grieving, Grieving Rachel, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Crush, Implied Romance, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBT issues, One Shot, POV First Person, Sorrow, Suicide, Suicide Notes, finding beauty and comfort through the pain, killing yourself, memorial service, rachel point of view, suicide note, tw: bullied for being gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-23
Updated: 2011-06-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 09:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8619274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shopgirl152/pseuds/CarolinesEcho
Summary: If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses...funny when you're dead how people start listening. New Directions attends Quinn's funeral. And Rachel is about to find out why Quinn killed herself.Inspired by the song If I Die Young by The Band Perry





	

_Maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing_   
_funny when you're dead how people start listening_   
_\--If I Die Young. The Band Perry_

I stand inside the church, numb with pain. All around me are beautiful flowers, orchids mixed in among pink roses. In front of the church, on a stand, is the coffin. On top of it sits a picture of her. Young, beautiful, her blonde hair framing her face. Hard to believe it was only a week ago when I last saw her. She had slammed me against a locker, calling me man-hands again.

It was a taunting nickname I had grown quite fond of.

“Rachel?”

I start, Finn’s voice pulling me back to the present. “Oh. Yeah Finn?”

“Are you okay? I know this must be hard.“

I gulp down the lump in my throat. “I’m fine. It’s just a memorial service. Memorial services can be quite elegant. I was just taking everything in.”

“Oh. Uh…okay.” The poor guy looks at a loss for words. We all are. “Do you wanna sit down? I think the ceremony is about to start.”

“It’s a _memorial service_ , Finn,” I snap, grateful for the distraction. “It’s not a ceremony, it’s a service. You should know that.” Turning around, I stalk off, slipping into a pew next to Mercedes and Kurt.

“Rachel, are you okay?” She puts a reassuring hand on my arm. “Your eyes are kind of wet.”

“I’m fine.”

“Here.” Kurt takes a handkerchief out of his pocket. “Use this.”

“Kurt, I can’t—“

He holds a hand up. “It’s okay Rachel. I can let you borrow it for one day.”

I smile gratefully, dabbing at my eyes. “Thank you.”

The preacher walks up to the podium, looking over the assembled crowd. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today for a very special celebration. Today we will be celebrating the life of Quinn Fabray, a young woman whose life ended much too soon.”

As the preacher continues, I reach into my purse, grabbing the envelope which is now tattered and worn from constant handling. I turn it over in my hand; I have been given specific instructions not to open it until the service is over. The irony of the situation still rings inside my head.

_“Here Berry.” Quinn hands me an envelope, standing next to my locker impatiently tapping her foot as always._

_I take the offered envelope. “What’s this?”_

_“This is a letter. You are not to open it until next week.”_

_“But why? Who is the letter for?” I turn it over in my hand; there’s no return address anywhere._

_“That is none of your concern.” She scowls. “Besides, you’ll find out eventually.” She ducks her head, seeming to lose composure for a minute._

_“Quinn?” I lightly touch her shoulder. She jerks._

_“I’m fine okay? Get lost Man-Hands. I have Cheerios practice.” She swishes past me, casting a glance over her shoulder before disappearing out the door._

The next day, they found her dead in the girls’ locker room. She had hung herself with a belt, her body dangling from a sprinkler head.

I choke back a sob, dabbing my eyes.

“Quinn was a good person. Yes, she could be a bitch at times, and yes, she hit me when she found out I had taken her place as Head Cheerleader, but…” Santana fans herself, voice catching. “That bitch was one of my best friends. We were in Cheerios practice for three years.” She chuckles wryly. “Just as tough as me.” Her face hardens. “But now she’s gone. All because some ignorant football jocks teased her because of who she was, who they thought she was becoming. Her secret was almost out. She would have been fine—“ She completely breaks down, collapsing to the floor.

Brittany walks up the side aisle, gently picking her up and carrying her out a side door.

The preacher looks with some concern toward the door Brittany and Santana went out of before turning back to everyone assembled. “We now welcome Finn Hudson, who would like to say a few words.”

In front of me, Finn claps Puck’s shoulder. “Wish me luck Dude. This is gonna be tough.” He slowly exits the pew, ambling up the side aisle, clearing his throat as he looks around. “There is a lot you could say about Quinn. She was popular, had a lot of friends, had a boyfriend—“ his face crumples. “We dated off and on and during that time, I-I learned a lot of things about her that nobody else knew. Like how her favorite roses were pink, not red; how her hair looked when it wasn’t in a ponytail; how she could still look hot even in sweatpants and a baggy sweatshirt.” He looks toward the sky. “Sorry Quinn.”

The congregation chuckles.

“But even more than that, despite her reputation, Quinn was a good person.”

My eyes drift down to the envelope in my lap. I know I’ve been told not to open it until this is over…at least, I’m assuming that’s what I’m supposed to do (even memorial services have their rules) but I can’t help it. I need to know what’s inside this envelope. I have to read it.

Quietly, I slip out of the pew, walking down the aisle towards the door in the back. Outside is a beautiful garden, surrounded by huge trees with a fountain in the middle of a courtyard. I take a seat on one of the stone benches, hands shaking as they tear open the envelope, revealing a letter inside.

_Hey Rachel._

_I guess if you’re reading this, you’ve probably already heard the news. Or rather, seen it. I killed myself._

_I suppose you’re wondering why I’m telling you this, and wondering why I gave this to you. Knowing how curious you are, you’re probably reading it outside somewhere while my memorial service is still going._

I smile; she always did have a knack for knowing what I’d do.

_Anyway Berry, here’s the thing. I’m a lesbian. I know it comes as a shock, being that I was so mean to you. About Finn, about pretty much everything. But…I had feelings for you. And…I didn’t know what to do with them._

_I know I should have told you, but I just couldn’t. It was too hard and to complicated. I wanted to ask you out, but…I was afraid I’d get rejected. Let’s face it, popular girls don’t get rejected and I couldn’t lose my status._

_You and Santana are the only ones that know this. Well, Brit knows too. She accidentally blabbed to one of the football jocks. They found me one day and started teasing me. I tried to be brave and put up a front, but they wouldn’t stop. They called me…well, we won’t mention the names here; I don’t want you to think of me in those terms._

_I told Santana what happened and she took the stupid jocks down like always. But that didn’t stop the teasing. Pretty soon, the jocks were throwing me into the dumpsters outside and slamming me against the lockers. They tried to rape me in the bathroom, claiming that I should have sex with the “right gender.” They would have too, if Puck hadn’t heard them and barged in._

_It was to much. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted out. Out of this life and out of this misery. This misery of being bullied, forced to stay in the closet for fear they’d rat me out to the entire school._

_Which is why I’m writing this letter. I know it’s hard to read and that you’re probably crying right now, dabbing at your eyes. But…even though I’ve done a lot of things wrong, I’m pretty sure I’ll get into heaven. There’s…no pain and suffering there. I’ll be free._

_Say hi to Finn for me. He’s a really great guy and even if I couldn’t love him, he deserves to be with someone who does. Tell the rest of New Directions not to worry about me, and please tell Brittany that I forgive her for blabbing to the jocks._

_And one more thing Rachel? I love you._

_My only regret is that I didn’t tell you sooner._

_All my love,_

_Quinn_

I swipe at my eyes, not caring if my mascara runs. The last sentence runs through my head: _my only regret is that I didn’t tell you sooner_.

“Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you tell me Quinn? Were you so proud about your status that you didn’t care what I thought? Do you honestly think I would reject you because of your sexuality?” I shake my fist at the sky. “I loved you too! We could have worked Quinn! And it would have been beautiful and real. More real than some of those other fake relationships we’ve seen at school.” I sink to my knees, bending my face low to the ground as the tears seem to pour from me. “Why? Why? Why?”

“Rachel?” I jerk, lifting my head. Through my hair, I can see Brittany. “Rachel, what are you doing?” She kneels beside me, pulling hair off my face, a look of concern in her eyes. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m crying because Quinn was in love with me and she had to kill herself. I-I could have helped her. We could have worked through this together. We-we-we-“ I sink back to the ground. “It’s hopeless. It’s over. It’s over before it even began. And it’s all your fault!” I scream at the sky.

“Don’t yell at heaven. It hurts the angels’ ears.” She pulls me into her lap, gently stroking my hair as I bury my face in the crook of her neck.

“It’s all gone.”

“Shh…”

“She’s gone.”

“Shh…”

“Why did she have to kill herself?” My sobs begin to subside, giving way to sniffles. I lift my head, glancing at her. “Why?”

“Only God knows that.” She cradles my head to her chest.

“Well he’s a very mean God.”

She simply shrugs, her eyes landing on the letter in my lap. “What’s that?”

“It’s a letter Quinn wrote to me. I-I think it’s private.” I smile apologetically. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

“Oh. Uh…Quinn says she forgives you for blabbing her secret to the jocks.”

“I already know she forgave me.”

“How could you know that? It was written in the letter. I just read it. Unless you read the letter before…”

“She just told me.”

“Just now?” My brow furrows in confusion. “How?”

She points toward the sky. Up above us, in the distance, is a brilliant rainbow, stretching boldly from one end of the sky to the other. Brittany grins. “She sent me a rainbow. That means she forgives me.”

“Brittany—“

She giggles. “Quinn’s saying hi. See? There’s one for you.” I gasp as my eyes follow to where she’s pointing. Above the first rainbow is a second one. A little smaller, but just as brilliant as the one underneath it.

“It’s so small.”

“That’s because you’re a hobbit.”

I start to protest when a soft breeze blows across the courtyard, and I swear I can hear her voice.

_Let it go Berry. Let it go._

A smile creeps across my face as I whisper into the wind. “Okay Quinn. I will.”


End file.
